The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
A resident of Wellingwood Drive reported that his mailbox in the shape of a cow was stolen.
British import Hugh Grant was arrested in June 1995 in Hollywood, California by police who allegedly "caught him in the act" with hooker Divine Brown. After pleading guilty to a misdemeanor lewd conduct charge, the actor paid his mandatory fines and served two years probation. Forty-seven-year-old Grant was arrested again in April 2007 on charges of assault with a tub of baked beans. A photographer, while hunting for pics of Grant's ex-girlfriend Liz Hurley in their West London neighborhood, alleged that Grant physically attacked him and threw beans at him. The charges were later dismissed by the police.