The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
Phillip Clingman got more than he expected when he repossessed a vehicle from Smyrna. He found a hand grenade and two long guns inside. Officer Dave Norton took the grenade and guns for safekeeping.
Former Met and Yankee pitcher Dwight Gooden has had several run-ins with the law. In August 2005, he was charged with a felony after fleeing from Florida police during a DUI stop. He turned himself three days later, only to be charged with misdemeanor DUI and resisting arrest. He was held without bail. Gooden was also charged with misdemeanor domestic battery in March. According to official reports, he punched his girlfriend in the face. In February 2002, the former All-Star was charged with drunk driving; in June that same year he received probation after pleading guilty to a reduced charge of reckless driving.