The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
Phillip Clingman got more than he expected when he repossessed a vehicle from Smyrna. He found a hand grenade and two long guns inside. Officer Dave Norton took the grenade and guns for safekeeping.
On September 11, 2002, the California Highway Patrol arrested actor Nick Nolte on suspicion of driving under the influence. A CHP officer saw Nolte's Mercedes-Benz swerving across a Malibu highway, and upon pulling him over, the officer noted he was drooling and looked droopy-eyed. He was released on $25,000 bond.